Wednesday, September 15, 2004


I'm humbled. Seriously.

I'm touched that a bunch of people care about how I feel, especially since a lot of you are strangers. That's unbelievably affirming. Also, I'm slightly shocked and awed that you would come here and read my self indulgent crap in the first place. Yet, grateful. Hmm.

I've been flirting this "depression" thing for over 15 years. I remember a two week episode in the seventh grade when I just. Wouldn't. Leave. My bed. Classmates thought that I had moved away. I wasn't sick, or lazy, or horribly willful (though my bewildered parents tried calling me all of the above to make me just go to freakin' school). I was simply broken, and needed to curl up in the fetal position for awhile to fix myself.

In my late teens, I started to become really, frighteningly self-destructive. I drank too much and tried all kinds of crazy loopy drugs. Samantha from SATC had nuthin' on me. I was in college, but I didn't really go to college; I knew the truth - classes are for sleeping through. Within three years, I had made four suicide attempts, always by consuming vast quantities of medication (it got to the point where my shrink didn't want me to take anti-depressants, since I might use them.)

I'm not proud of all of that. It's hard to write it down - there are very few people out there that know the first thing about my story, and yet here I am, publishing it on the internet. I'm writing it down to illustrate how far I've come.

I'm 29 now. In the past decade, I've grown up a lot. I've figured out that my sadness comes from a long, long time ago, and that I have to figure out how to be now as opposed to how I was then. I've had a child and gotten him through eight years. That in itself kicked my ass enough to permanently end any two-week-fetal-position in bed ideas I might have harbored. I've gone through a long string of very nice men, picking and choosing what I thought would keep me happy and healthy, both at the time and for the long term.

I've also gone through a shit load of therapists, some touchy feely and terribly ineffectual, and others all "your life is your responsibility" tough love and oh-so-effective. I don't have one now, but I like to think I learned enough from the last one to last me a few years.

So, I know it comes sometimes. I know I'll get through it. It just gets kind of frustrating, especially when I can't find a trigger. That is, if I can't point to what set me off, it seems that much more uncontrollable, and I feel that much less adequate (vicious circle, that one), and this was one of those times.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks to the people who commented, and to the people who emailed (I'm sorry I never answered you, but yes, I'm feeling much better)...

AND, what says "Thanks" like an appropriately morbid Edward Gorey quiz??!! I love this stuff - so dark and dramatic, yet at the same time so silly. Kind of like a goth kid. Oh, and thank you for the inspiration.

Being sucked dry by leeches isn't so bad.
You will be sucked dry by a leech. I'd stay away
from swimming holes, and stick to good old
cement. Even if it does hurt like hell when
your toe scrapes the bottom.

What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla


At 7:56 PM, Blogger Audacity said...

Ok, I'm going to sink in a mire:

"You will sink in a mire. You like to think you're normal, but deep down you really just want to strip off your clothes and roll around in chicken fat."

Hm.. that is pretty accurate. Also, if you ever need a laugh, just look at this animated picture.

At 9:15 PM, Blogger Jen(nifer) said...

Interesting how the blog becomes a forum to making us stay true to ourselves...

I love you ; )

At 12:05 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

I didn't get a chance to comment earlier, but I'm glad you're better now. I know it's terrible getting in one of those states for seemingly no reason, but even if no one can give you advice, it kind of helps knowing that other people go through it, too, and that you're not as alone as you thought you were. Writing it down, even if strangers see it, can be rather therapeutic.

It really does sound like you've come far, so congratulations on that, and good luck gettin through it whenever it pops up again.

As for the quiz, it looks like I will sink in a mire.

At 12:58 AM, Blogger Eden said...

I also "will sink in a mire. You like to think you're normal, but deep down you really just want to strip off your clothes and roll around in chicken fat."

My personal favorite has always been Neville, who died of ennui.

At 10:14 AM, Blogger Erinna said...

Glad you're feeling better, Katie.


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