Sunday, September 26, 2004

Sexless In The City

I've added a couple of new things to my blogroll. (Actually, I constantly add new things to my blogroll. I just wanted to talk about these.)

Kinky Bitch


Dear Buster

Why do I want to talk about these? 'Cause they're sexy. Oh, and I'm lacking the sexy.

I went out and had a few beers with an old friend a few nights ago. It was fun. He told me I have the brain of a man trapped in a woman's body (which makes sense, considering that fucking gender genie thing - did I mention that before? That stupid gender genie thing that everyone's linking to is convinced I'm a man. It's like the Christina Aguillera SNL, in the Sex & The City final episode sketch, and she's Samantha, and all "I'm a maaaan..."). But, uh, I don't have the brain of a man - at least, it's well-tempered by estrogen. Because I freak out like only a girl can freak out.

This particular old friend also happens to be an old flame, so to speak, even though we still hang out and have a good old time as friends (without any specific benefits other than general friendship). Friendship notwithstanding, I spent most of that night fending off perceived sexual tension, mostly by talking about Tim a lot.(if either of you are reading this, it's ME! All me! Because I'm crazy and perceive sexual tension in the strangest of places! So, don't feel weird. or bad. or jealous. Or whatever. That's the ticket - just feel 'whatever'.)

So, the thing with me & Tim? It's been a few years. We're tired out by the usual things you must do to maintain a decent standard of living. You know, work and dishes and helping with the homework and cooking the dinner and so forth. All of our friends, wise enough in their younger years NOT to have gotten accidentally pregnant, are childless, and still have time to go into drama mode over a new boy, or to go to the bars at night and try to get laid with new girls. Or whatever it is single people without children do - I can't remember.

We don't have time for any of the above. We also fight a lot, mostly because we're both really stubborn and both like getting our own way just a bit too much. We don't find each other particularly sexy anymore. Sometimes one of us is sad and the other doesn't get it and gets kind of angry because the other thinks it must be something they did, but they're so tired form DOING all of the necessary things that they can't figure out what else they possibly COULD do so that the other wouldn't be sad. We love each other - very much - but sometimes we forget and say mean things, things like "I don't think this relationship is going anywhere - I don't see us doing anything like getting married - and we fight all the time, so maybe we ought to just forget about it." It's not much like a new, young people's relationship at all.

So, uh, all this old people relationship stuff leads to not-as-much-sex-as-Katie-needs to function like a normal human being. Trust me, it's a lot. I think the longest I've ever gone without was when I was single and pregnant (what, you wouldn't want to hook up with the single pregnant chick? You're kidding!) and even that was only about five or six months. I realized the other day that I haven't been single since Kiernan was six months old - he's eight now. (oh, and if that sounds weird, you have to know the back story. Mom & Dad didn't start operating as Mom AND Dad until a few years ago.)

Alright, alright, enough with the kvetching. Back to the old friend. This particular old friend ALSO happened to bring along a gift - a finely rolled parcel of mind-obliterating Jamaican ganja. Tim & I haven't smoked any pot in a LONG, looooooonnnnggg time. We're responsible parents & all of that. (Mostly, that just means we don't have any connections or extra cash anymore. It was a very nice gift.)

I came home. We smoked it (only half - we had to put the thing down without finishing...)

And for that night and the next, SEXFEST! Yay! The world has never been so at ease as when a certain two people were able to forget all of the anxiety causing, life-sucking stress and debt and crap that we try to wrap our poor tired brains around every single day and just get to fucking. Oh, and their fat bellies. They were able to forget about their fat bellies as well.

But the joint is gone now, and it's back to sexless in the city. Because we love each other, but we're tired, and stressed, and in debt, and too busy doing dishes and taking the dog out to pee. Blahrg.

So, then another, different, old friend calls, and she's all a tizzy about this new boy that she met on the internet who came to see her. And I'm all, "That's great! Aren't you happy?" And she's all, "Ooooh, I don't know..." and I couldn't carry on the conversation because I had to leave and go see a dog walking client, but I kept thinking about it for the rest of the day. I kept thinking things like, "Wow, that didn't make her happy? Why not? She'd probably die if she had to live in this house..." and other assorted negative crap. I'm very good at highlighting otherwise forgotten negative crap.

So, this morning, Tim crawled out of bed and climbed on the train at some un-godly hour, oh, five a.m. or so? (Do you wonder why he's not doling out the attention? That's why.) And he went to work while I snuggled in our big empty bed, with all of the pillows and blankets all to myself and the dog curled on top of my feet and keeping them nice and warm. And at 9:30, the phone rang, and I leaned over to answer it because I was just starting a slow, weekend awakening.

It was Tim. For no other reason than that he was thinking about me curled up in bed.

And what kind of asshole am I? I'm sitting there second guessing the poor guy.

"Why are you calling? For no reason? Huh?"

Tim told me, rightly so, that I have to stop projecting other people's negative perceptions about their relationships onto my relationship.

I just think I'm flat out, no holds barred crazy, and I don't understand. Do I need a shrink (uh, yeah, that goes without saying.) Do I need something beyond that? What? AAArg!

This is the real answer. I would have been with Tim for three years this Thanksgiving. I am a serial monogamist. Three years is my limit. I've kicked every man who's ever lasted that long to the curb within a month (give or take) of the three year anniversary. This one has a child with me. This one is a lot harder to just ditch. I think I'm scared shitless, but I'm not quite sure. Insight, anyone? Non-objective third party advice? Stiff slugs of whiskey? Or maybe more of that Jamaican stuff?

Any of the above would be appreciated. Yikes, what a crazy bitch.


At 2:18 PM, Blogger Robert said...

I wanted to say something really witty and helpful, but, alas, nada.

I think the problem with long-term relationships is that they wash out the ups and downs that make us feel alive. Everything because a frustrating shade of grey. At least that's what it's been for me. And that can be more depressing than the lows of a volatile relationship because you start to miss "feeling" anything. Damn, this was helpful, huh?

At 2:28 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Robert, you're the best! But next time, make it Jamaican, eh? ;)

At 4:53 PM, Blogger Jen(nifer) said...

What if, just what IF said friend who is all in a blissful and overwhelmed becuse unlike her friend who got pregnant and is now domesticating in the Bronx, after a string of serial monogamous relationships... she has hidden herself from all things good, in fact all things remotely possibly good. So allowing herself to be unabashedly happy (which I know for a fact she is ; ) She must tone it down so she does not get hurt. And most likely, happy internet man feels the same hesitations, even though they both are searching in the world for the one thing that you, dearest Katie DO have...stability, trust, and a loving relationship and family that transcends bills, chores and homework crap. A life Katie. You are scared, and so is she...but you are much furhter along on the path to happiness...and she is envious of you as well.

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Ummmm.... sexfest is good. Let's have more of the sexfest . Yeah, we're solid and all of that crap, but what fun is that without the SEXFEST??!!! No, really??!!

At 1:21 AM, Blogger Ontario Emperor said...

Comment on the links - I checked both of them, and definitely enjoyed Kinky Bitch, but Dear Buster was the only one that I'd take home. I figure that someday my parents (or my 13 year old daughter) is going to end up reading my blog, and I don't want to necessarily link to Kinky Bitch, but it was a good read. Buster mixes things up a bit, so it's a bit "safer," as it were.

Having been married for over 15 years now, I can't really give you advice on your impending three year anniversary, but I hope things work out one way or the other.

At 4:06 PM, Blogger Buster Van Buren said...

Well, what a nice surprise....I never thought I'd be considered "sexy" (or "safe" for that matter!). I'm glad to hear both of you enjoy my site. I guess my post on how to give an incredible blow job is kind of sexy, and though a lot of my articles have to do with sex or relationships, I hope that the article which describes my first porno flick doesn't meet this criteria! Either way, it's always nice to get a compliment and I appreciate the link and the nice words. Have a great day, and feel free to visit my main site at for more "sexy stuff" Buster

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Anna Broadway said...

Speaking of the Sexless ... looks like we share a few blogpals!

I must check out this personality quiz you speak of; quite curious to see how I’d be rated, consid’ring I’m apparently Easy Rider to my best friend’s Godfather.

At 9:03 AM, Blogger Katie said...

Hi, sexless! You can find the link in the post titled "That's Right, they said Firebrand" (or something like that...). It's weird. It's pegged everybody I know.

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