Friday, September 10, 2004

Top Ten Things I've Learned From Dog Walking

1. Upper East Side women invariably have very flat asses and very thin lips. (No offense, Upper East Side readers. I'm sure you're the exception.)

2. Men in Harlem love me because I (don't have a) very flat ass or (very thin) lips. The catcalls serve as proof of this fact.

3. Everybody, no matter their borough or "help" affiliation, loves a cute puppy.

4. Dogs on the Upper East Side tend to be little whiny pussies who can't complete a walk around the block.

5. My Bronx dog (who can complete walks around twenty blocks without tiring) is much better behaved these days since I'm such a hardass from walking all of those little pussy Upper East Side dogs.

6. I aspire to be a tourist story (e.g., "I saw this crazy woman screaming at a cab that ran a red light, since he almost ran over her dog. Only in New York!")

7. Doormen are really cool people.

8. I am one with doormen since I am one of the "help".

9. Dogs don't give a shit whether you're the "help" or not, as long as you have treats (ohmygod ohmygod she's got TREATS!) and you are willing to take them outside.

10. If they say the veiny dildo chewing never happened, the veiny dildo chewing never happened.

2 Comments:

At 12:29 AM, Blogger Audacity said...

I've never understood why rich folks have snooty wussy dogs. Of course, I have a Chocolate lab.. who is afraid of storms, but damn it.. she will take a roll in the mud which isn't very snooty.

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger s. said...

*lmfao* @ you being a tourist story. Plus, yay for un-flat asses!

 

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